My job isn't to recruit people to a belief. My job isn't to tell people how to live. My job isn't to work myself into a worry about every answer.
My job is to live. And I've done a pretty bad job of that, recently. I'm being hard on myself - but intentionally. I'm tired of living the half-life I've tediously slipped into - the life I've allowed circumstance to limit.
I believe in a prodigal God: who spent everything lavishly to love each and every person on this earth. Who knew at the dawn of creation exactly what we would cost Him, and chose us anyway.
I'm thankful He got through to me pretty early in life - even though I can still be pretty dense, today - He knows me anyway. And I love getting to know Him more.
Somewhere, probably in that lovely (and valuable in its own way) brand of Christianity called "Evangelical," I learned that the Great Commission was the most important thing I could ever do in this life: go ye therefore and make disciples of all nations...
But I think not. I think the Great Commandment is the most important thing I can do in life: love God, and love others as I love myself.
And maybe that's just for me to focus on right now. I have more to learn. I have more to live (for now). I'm learning to be okay with myself as a work in progress and masterpiece, simultaneously. I knew there was a reason why I love works of art that feel unfinished...it's permission.
Look, I haven't signed up for Christianity as some fan club. I haven't hitched my boat to some lifestyle I think will yield the most benefits. I haven't gone to church just to find friends or community.
At some level, and at some points in life, all these things have been true of me. But not true of reality.
God would have lost me a long time ago if I was operating with any of those as my base; I've lost Him plenty of times by temporarily being based in them (or any others, there's plenty).
He holds me. I can't explain it - and, right now, I don't think I'm supposed to. I'm supposed to love.
I'm supposed to live.
So let's get back to it, shall we?
With many thanks and much love,
- my grandma just got out of rehab for a major concussion. Pray for her most of all. She and my parents and uncle will be driving up to Baltimore for these two days - pray for fun, safe and calm travel. Thank you.
- praises for this time of (attempted) celebration, grieving, and rest. It's been crazy, unexpected, and I've easily been ungrateful - but in reality it's been a blessing.